Most of the time I find life to be pretty terrifying. People see me in public and assume that I’m super confident, or I always know what I’m doing. But I’m not. And I don’t. I’m continually riddled with self-doubt and visions of everything that I’ve worked so hard for falling apart at the seems and leaving me in a little oubliette somewhere.
But I’m stubborn. And I’m alive, dammit.
I know that I can crawl out of whatever hole I land in because I’ve done it before. I’ve hit the bottom, or lost my way, or been beaten down more times than I can count, and that’s what keeps me going: an unfailing faith in my ability to survive.
But, thriving… that’s a little terrifying. Still. I don’t know how to do it. I’ve been trying to learn how for at least the past decade or so and I think I’m getting better at it… but then there it is again: self-doubt. I don’t know how to “do well” or “succeed.” I’m just groping along as best I can with everyone else.
Like What About Bob, I put one foot in front of the other. Baby steps. If staring out at my future horizon gives me agoraphobia, I tighten my lens. What’s directly in front of me? This. Do this thing, then that. If that is scary, I look at what’s in front of me? That thing is this thing now; a nice manageable bite of life that’s small and chewy and goes down good.