>bad.seeds

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09.22.09

Right-O.
There are some people, that no matter how much you love them, disappoint you every time. I try and try so hard, I think, “Well, I do believe I got rid of my last expectations of said person. No WAY I’ll be upset again because of expectations not being met. I expect nothing and will only be happy when they’re around because without any expectations, I can’t be disappointed, right? Right!” and then out of nowhere I’m sad again.
There are some people who will always disappoint… When they’re not surprising you delightfully with unexpected little nuggets of their golden personality.

Still, so sad.

I don’t think it’s healthy to NOT expect anything from anyone. I feel that in doing so, I’m giving up on some sacred hope in humanity that I’m not ready to let go of, just yet. I think that sometimes people should be expected to be steadfast. I feel in not expecting anything of others, that you’re dishonoring them, because, well… I just do.

I feel good when people tell me they know they can rely on me for such and such. I feel good when people come over to my house for dinner and expect a delicious meal. I feel that when someone expects something of you, it’s a good thing, because it shows a strength in character that has already been proven. I would not like to be a blank slate all of the time. I want to play host to other’s expectations of me and sometimes fail, in the knowledge that doing so has given me room to grow.

But if there’s nothing there but room to grow, than what is there, really? A seed that doesn’t start is no good at all. A seed that doesn’t start disintegrates into dirt when planted, all the sunshine and water in the world won’t make a bad seed grow.

My growth may be choppy, I might have stunted in the frost and not borne as much fruit as one would hope… But I still stretch for that sunshine and soak in the rain.

I don’t want to cry over spent seeds anymore, I’d really like to watch my flowers grow.

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